In an ordinary Nebraska household occupied by a family afflicted with Catholicism, Mary miraculously caused a pretzel to become twisted into a shape and size that fit perfectly on an eBay auction page. 12 year old Crysta Naylor was munching on a bag of Rold Gold Honey Mustard Pretzels when she found an unusually shaped pretzel that appeared to be over 2,000 years old.

Reports do not indicate if the odd shaped pretzel was compared to the use by date on the package, but it is well known that most Rold Gold pretzels are nowhere near 2,000 years old when they reach the consumer. In fact archeologists have never discovered a pretzel in the wild that carbon dated as even 1,800 years old. This pretzel brought with it the potential for great scientific advances in our understanding of snack foods of the Biblical era.

Going beyond the usual miraculous apparition of just a Virgin Mother with completely intact Holy Hymen that had never been penetrated with a hot, manly rod - this miraculous apparition made of wheat flour and salt even included the incestuous love child of the Virgin Mary, who, according to reports, was his own father as well as his own Son. Anyone afflicted with Catholicism can easily explain that God is the Son of God but they are the same person. It's sort of like being your own grandpa, but with the addition of plagues of locusts.

After an eBay auction the pretzel became the property of a well known casino that buys grilled cheese sandwiches too. We are told that this casino welcomes patrons who are afflicted with Catholicism, and in the spirit of tolerance and multiculturalism, the bouncers do not eject gamblers who are observed praying to the Virgin of Tasty Snacks to bless them with good luck on the slots.

Technorati Tags: Virgin Mary, hymen, pretzels, pareidolia, eBay auctions, Nebraska, dumbass

Obviously the Holy Mother of God likes pizza, but in a dream it was revealed that she does not like anchovies. They remind her of yeast infections in her Holy Virginal Genitalia.

How exactly does a baby pass through the birth canal if a lady still has an intact hymen? Wait, let me guess, I'm getting warmer, could it be A MIRACLE?

So next time you order a pizza to place as an offering before a graven image in your local Holy Roman Catholic Church, remember hold the anchovies.

Besides, her son can create fish on the spot if she changes her mind.

How come nobody ever sees an apparition of a parish priest molesting a child?

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, Virgin Mary, anchovies, priest, mass hysteria, pizza

Most of the miraculous appearances of the Virgin of the Forests reveal an average to slender build on the Super Virgin, but this fictional representation of a mythical character presents a fairly corpulent manifestation. Good for heavy people!

If I was an overweight lady that was afflicted with Catholicism I might take great comfort from this hallucination.

Or is she pregnant with the Intelligent Designer of the Universe?

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, Catholicism, Virgin Mary, apparitions, mass hysteria, Wisconsin, firewood

Yes folks, it is really true. Just bring a wild imagination, dogmatic belief in ludicrous ancient fairy tales, and several wheelbarrows full of cash. For the sake of posterity, we have recorded the eBay item page for this auction as a PDF file.

Anybody with at least one good eye can plainly see that this is obviously a 2,000 year old virgin who has previously given birth to an immortal deity in a barn on a cold winter night. And once you buy this miraculous cylinder of paraffin we know your luck is going to improve.

You could take this candle to a casino and win back all of the money you spent for it within 10 or 15 minutes, there is no doubt about that at all. After all, this candle is a virgin that has only been burnt at one end.

Those 2,000 year old virgins sure are good at coming up with novel and inventive ways of proving, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that most pregnant virgins give birth to God.

Technorati Tags: Virgin Mary, apparition, miracle, eBay auctions, chumps, Catholicism, pareidolia

In December, 1998 persons seemingly absent of critical thinking skills began reporting that they had hallucinated the presence of an imaginary Virgin Mother while looking at the obviously wooden wound on a tree in the Olivet Cemetery. As often happens in cases of this sort, crowds of people subject to belief in fairy tales began to converge on the scene.

In fact this particular incident of mass hysteria drew such large crowds that some would-be hallucinators had difficulty approaching the scene in order to ooh and ahh at the ordinary deciduous tree. That is when the second miracle occurred, members of the faithful who were shut out by the Catholics that got there first suddenly perceived an additional miraculous presence, a Totally Identical Virgin Mother of God who is the Father of God who is the Son of God who is God who may have been his own paternal grandfather. It was a sort of believe one get one free bonus, conveniently located in another part of the cemetery that was less crowded.

Fortunately the faithful who hallucinated at tree number one did not find it necessary to accuse those hallucinating at tree number two of crimes such as heresy, schism, or other crimes that are sometimes committed in the shade of a tree that has never been penetrated by a single penis, except of course for the little tiny Baby Penis of Jesus which passed, arguably uncircumcised, through the Miracle Vagina on his way out one cold night in Bethlehem. Mind you we make no claim that the Miraculous Penis of Jesus did anything overtly sexual as he was being born, after all, how can a Miraculous Virgin Mother of God still be chaste and pure if she has been spermed?

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, hymen, vagina, Virgin Mary, Jesus, Penis, Heresy, Schism, Cemetery, Hallucination, sperm, Mother of God, Marian apparition, critical thinking

When Mike Passchier of Powell River, British Columbia, Canuckistan saw this rock he saw a golden opportunity involving a potential eBay auction. Arguably Mike is either afflicted with religious delusions about virgin mothers that never once took the whole thing or he is at least familiar with these fairy tales.

My lovely husband, on the other hand, does not suffer from religious delusions at all, and he saw the lead character from the movie V for Vendetta.

If you firmly believe that no human penis ever thrust repeatedly in and out of the Sacred and Chaste Vagina Of the Virgin Mary, gaining speed, until finally with a loud cry, well you know... If you believe she got pregnant because an Invisible Ghost transported Super Sperm directly into her girly parts, well, you are perhaps likely to believe this stone is a sacred relic.

But please, try to keep your superstitions out of my civil rights.

Technorati Tags: Marian apparition, Virgin Mary, Mother of God, Pareidolia, V for Vendetta, Hymen, penis, vagina, Mike Passchier, Powell River, eBay

The question is "How dumb do you have to be to see a fictional virgin in water marks on a wall?" and the answer is "Catholic."

We are used to hearing these silly stories from Mexico, Texas, and other areas with a high concentration of people exposed to Mexican culture and superstitions. This is the first case to reach our attention from a Pacific island nation. A New Zealand newspaper says

A week after Samoans prayed en masse for a safe switch to driving on the left, a vision of the Virgin Mary has appeared.

It is also true that this apparition happened about a week after I made that big pot of black bean soup and ended up farting like a racehorse all night. Could it be that the alleged virgin wants me to cut back on the beans, but she missed Palm Springs by about 7,000 miles?

What we have here is an obvious case of pareidolia. People see things they believe exist. People are especially prone to recognize human faces and figures in random patterns of swirls. This is not some mystical virgin with intact hymen and a super-baby, it's a freekin' stain on a wall. Jeebus! Like many other such sightings there is a vague resemblance to the shape of a vagina.

Technorati Tags: Samoa, Samoan Islands, Marian Apparition, hymen, vagina, virgin, Virgin Mary, mother of God, Jeebus, driving on left

Since her daily prayers have completely failed to improve her medical or financial situation, this imaginary sighting of the imaginary virgin mother of an imaginary invisible sky faerie will be offered for sale on eBay. There is, after all, one born every minute.

The victim of these delusions states that she feels as though she is dying. Without seeming to notice any contradiction she also states that she believes Jeebus has been listening to her prayers. Perhaps Jeebus is listening but just doesn't care, he certainly has not cured the poor lady of any of her many medical problems or her obvious religious delusions.

Technorati Tags: vagina, hymen, intact virgin, photos, marian apparition, mother of God, Virgin Mary, pareidolia, imaginary sky faerie, jeebus, virginity, unpenetrated

Since one part of the exposed tree trunk had a roughly vaginal-shaped area, persons afflicted with Catholicism have begun hallucinating an apparition of Our Lady of the Well Charred Sycamore Tree, the patron saint of wildfires and hundreds of houses burnt to the ground.

Since The Holy Virgin of Severely Burnt to Death Sycamore Trees is the Mother of God, and Since the Son of God has God as his Daddy, it is only through her perfectly intact hymen that was never once penetrated by any boy's naughty bits that we can thank God for being His own Son, His own Father, His Ghostly Spirit that glows in the dark, and His Grandpa, Grandson, and, you know - it's all in the family.

Poor Joseph. According to the official Catholic fairy tales he never even got any once, because Our Lady of the Well Charred Sycamore Tree was auto-uplifted directly into heaven using a sooper-seekrit invisible elevator technique as a still perfectly hymen-intact virgin at the time when she would have otherwise died if she had even once taken the whole thing.

I wonder if God had to wait until a certain specific time of day to use the sooper-seekrit invisible elevator to get his Mommy up to heaven? What with the Earth rotating it seems like the optimal timing for the most direct ascent trajectory would depend to a great degree on the time of day in Israel. The time of year would have been a factor too, what with the Earth rotating on an axis that is not perfectly perpendicular to the Sun.

I guess the Son of Virgin Mommy, whose Daddy was God which is Him Himself, could have made certain adjustments to the orbital trajectory of the planet in order to line up the Holy Hymen with the Heavenly hosts.

Technorati Tags: Hymen, Marian Apparition, Holy Virgin Mother of God, Our Lady of the Well Charred Sycamore Tree, Agua Dolce, Sycamore Tree, pareidolia, fairy tales, incest, Virgin Mary, Miraculous Assumption, Assumption of Mary, virgin, virginity, vagina

The seal in this window had failed many years ago, and alas for the poor neglected virgin it took 5 years before anybody noticed her presence near the top of a Miraculous Brick Wall.

Unfortunately Milton Hospital is not a psychiatric facility, so there was no use in admitting any of the 25,000 who appeared in just one weekend. Certainly Action News (film at 11) must have played a part in whipping up the hysteria, it's good for the ratings, you know?

Stories suggest the hospital had contacted local representative of the Catholic Church Corporation, trying to get them to restrain the faithful. Later the hospital administrator, seeming to like his job, said "No, No, No we love religious nutjobs" or something to that effect.

Finally, in an apparent attempt to control the throngs of religiously-afflicted onlookers the hospital installed a drape on the outside of the window which they kept lowered during the daytime, allowing it to be viewed only after regular business hours.

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, Virgin Mary, apparitions, rubber gaskets, hysteria

In 1993 a woman was already praying to an Imaginary Virgin Mother, which may have preselected her to believe things that have no basis in reality, when she concluded that a perfectly ordinary wound in the bark of a nearby oak tree was actually an apparition of her favorite fictional quasi-deity character. And as sometimes happens when an obviously preposterous claim is made, it became a religious shrine. Religion is very useful when reality leaves us unsatisfied, it lets you believe anything at all without requiring annoying facts or rational explanations.

Once again, as seems always the case, this supposed apparition of a fictional virgin seems vaguely shaped like female genitalia, a virgin vagina of oak. And, really, sometimes an oak tree is just an oak tree.

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, Virgin Mary, Watsonville, apparition, miracle

An Italian Catholic church custodian is on trial in Forli, Italy for committing religious fraud. If only this was a new trend!

Of course uttering the phrase religious fraud is as redundant as saying Republican liar, but in this case the fraud was so far over the top that even the Roman Catholic Church did not exploit it for financial gain. It seems that in this case the fraud was initially successful, allowing people who wanted to believe that an underage teenage child was raped by the creator of the universe to regard the fraud as proof of their completely delusional beliefs.

Two things are different in this case. First is that the perpetrator of this religious fraud was actually caught. The second difference is that the fraud became public knowledge. It seems as though the Catholic Church really is losing control over the government of Italy. An actual criminal prosecution of a religious huckster, especially the Roman Catholic brand of huckster, would have been completely unheard of back in the days when the Catholic Church was playing footsie with the Nazis.

This seems to be another case of fraud surrounding the Imaginary Virgin Mother (already fraudulent in this first place) of an Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy (completely anthropomorphic and fictitious) that raped his own mother before he was born, but she never even once had sex, honest, cross my fingers and all.

Flocks of curios[sic] people hurried to Santa Lucia Church in March 2006 to take a look at the statue after several elderly female churchgoers said they saw red drops on its face.

Perhaps the fact that a person already believes in preposterous yarns make it that much easier for them to accept additional ridiculous claims.

Technorati Tags: Vincenzo Di Costanzo, Forli, Italy, Fraud, Virgin Mary, statue, blood, tears, Santa Lucia Church, apparition, miracle, Catholic Church, weeping madonna

So, this one is in a church, OK. It's not like the people in a church are already preselected for gullibility and the fervent desire to form ardent beliefs without a single shred of evidence. Or is it? I want to know why we never hear about Virgin Mary sightings in the gay section located in the back room of Adult DVD stores? Or maybe in a gay bar? I can tell you that if a real virgin was to make an apparition in a gay bar they certainly would be warmly welcomed. And why not, after all it is well known that gay men often call each other Mary. It's true, virginity is a rare quality in mothers and gay men, so it seems there is a natural affinity between this mythical Virgin Mother With Perfectly Intact Hymen who never once took the whole thing and gay men who are always talking about taking the whole thing.

We know that there are self-loathing gay men that participate in the Party of Jesus through the Log Cabin Republicans. Maybe there could be a self-loathing Catholic gay group of men with no critical thinking skills that imagines they have a Virgin Mother Fag Hag friend up in the sky. We could call the group Virgin Gay Girlfriends for Mary, or something like that. Should priests be allowed to join Virgin Gay Girlfriends for Mary? Oh wait, it's for virgins.

This extremely lame dumbass sighting of the imaginary Virgin Mother of the imaginary deity son of an Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy is a bonus round too, because you get a free Jeebus with it if you are extra, piously gullible. Not to mention the perfectly intact hymen.

Technorati Tags: Marian Apparition, Hymen, Virgin Mary, Vagina, Gay Bar, Gay DVDs, Log Cabin Republicans, Virgin Mother Fag Hag, Gay Girlfriends for Mary, Priests, Catholic Church, Miami, Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy, Bonus Jeebus

It sure looks painful to me, and we're glad Mr Lipton was not hurt more seriously when his bike went down. But, ahem, well Mr Lipton we have seen other hallucinations in which the intact hymen was easier to see. There are many people, no doubt young ones among them, who search the internet day and night for hymen photos, hymen drawings, and hymen information - and who better to illustrate the beauty of the human reproductive system then the Mommy of God! But this particular hallucination may not measure up to a grilled cheese sandwich, or the potato from Riverside CA hymen viewing levels.

With her never once took it intact Hymen, even after she was married, except for just that one time when God raped her while she was just an underaged minor child, she mostly, except for the rape, is a virgin. And oh yeah, her Son is God too. I'm not saying "Oh God is he cute" I'm saying the Big Guy, the Head Cheese, the Top Banana, the Virgin God who Liked Guys, we are talking Jeebus here, people.

If your mother ran around town all the time bragging about being a virgin it might give you teh gay too.

We hardly expect all mothers to be virgins, and with Mother's Day fast approaching, and billions of wonderful mothers here on this planet, we wonder what the heck is all of this virginity stuff about? Hello, women are not sex toys made for the pleasure of domineering Austrian fathers. Women deserve respect, and mothers deserve even more respect. So why demean ordinary human mothers by suggesting that a Holy Virgin Mother with perfectly intact Hymen is somehow better? I just don't get it. Virginity is an inconvenience that can easily be remedied using a very pleasant and enjoyable procedure. I sure don't wish I still had my virginity, and if I got it back I'd try to lose it again ASAP.

So, really, whoop dee doo, so she never once took the whole thing. La dee da. I'm like, so impressed.

I hope he does not put his leg up on eBay.

Technorati Tags: Marian Apparition, Virgin Mary, Motorcycle, Pareidolia, California, motorcyclist, Mother of God, Intact Hymen, Virginity, Mother's Day