Archive for the ‘Old Sightings’ Category

Our Lady of Just Another Ordinary Tree

Saturday, December 4th, 2010

Our Lady of Just Another Ordinary TreeIn May of 1997 persons who already believed a fictional virgin had given birth to an imaginary deity in a long ago land of make believe imagined they could recognize the image of a fictitious character they had never seen in the first place in a wound on a tree in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Since none of these persons with keen imaginations had ever met this supposed virgin mother in the first place, no photographs of her have ever existed, and she herself never existed, one does not need to be a rocket scientist to reach the conclusion it was simply another example of the urgent need some people feel to believe in total falsehoods based on a complete lack of evidence.

Some people have only a fuzzy concept of the boundaries between their mind and objective reality. We call these people the faithful. When one such person imagines that an ordinary object is actually an appearance of a fictional long dead character the total lack of any rational basis for this belief satisfies their requirement for proof. If it can’t be real, it is not there, it could not be there, and they are just imagining it – we have all of the required ingredients for a Miracle of Faith.

And so it was in Salt Lake City when a vaguely vagina-shaped wound on a tree became evidence of the existence of a 2,000 year old virgin mother whose naughty bits had never once been penetrated by a rock hard strap on attached to another girl, or even by one of those horrid naughty bits that men have. Her perfectly virginal vagina, with intact hymen, did ooze a little liquid about once a month, a liquid that seemed oddly like the tree sap that might ooze from an ordinary tree where a branch had been cut.

Since there is absolutely no evidence this was really a 2,000 year old virgin mommy, local Catholics were convinced this was really a 2,000 year old virgin mommy. After all the lack of any evidence is an underlying theme shared by all religious dogma, so the lack of evidence was all the proof that Catholics required to be sure this proves everything!

Sort of gives new meaning to the word sap.

Our Lady of the Magnetic Resonance Imaging Scan

Saturday, December 6th, 2008

Our Lady of the Magnetic Resonance Imaging Scan CloseupIn the year 2002 Fort Pierce, Florida resident Pamela Latrimore was suffering from severe medical problems, despite the fact that she prayed every day to her Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy and his Perfectly Holy Mommie with Unpenetrated Intact Virgin Hymen. But of course, nothing fails like prayer.
Our Lady of the Magnetic Resonance Imaging Scan, Overview
In the course of her medical treatment Pamela had an MRI scan. Six years later, when looking at a print of the MRI scan, her step-daughter, also afflicted with religious delusions, hallucinated an apparition of The Holy Virgin of MRI Scans and Virginal Vaginas.

Since her daily prayers have completely failed to improve her medical or financial situation, this imaginary sighting of the imaginary virgin mother of an imaginary invisible sky faerie will be offered for sale on eBay. There is, after all, one born every minute.

The victim of these delusions states that she feels as though she is dying. Without seeming to notice any contradiction she also states that she believes Jeebus has been listening to her prayers. Perhaps Jeebus is listening but just doesn’t care, he certainly has not cured the poor lady of any of her many medical problems or her obvious religious delusions.

[tags]vagina, hymen, intact virgin, photos, marian apparition, mother of God, Virgin Mary, pareidolia, imaginary sky faerie, jeebus, virginity, unpenetrated[/tags]

Our Lady of the Fraudulent Tears of Blood

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008

Our Lady of the Fraudulent Tears of Blood

An Italian Catholic church custodian is on trial in Forli, Italy for committing religious fraud. If only this was a new trend!

Of course uttering the phrase religious fraud is as redundant as saying Republican liar, but in this case the fraud was so far over the top that even the Roman Catholic Church did not exploit it for financial gain. It seems that in this case the fraud was initially successful, allowing people who wanted to believe that an underage teenage child was raped by the creator of the universe to regard the fraud as proof of their completely delusional beliefs.

Two things are different in this case. First is that the perpetrator of this religious fraud was actually caught. The second difference is that the fraud became public knowledge. It seems as though the Catholic Church really is losing control over the government of Italy. An actual criminal prosecution of a religious huckster, especially the Roman Catholic brand of huckster, would have been completely unheard of back in the days when the Catholic Church was playing footsie with the Nazis.

This seems to be another case of fraud surrounding the Imaginary Virgin Mother (already fraudulent in this first place) of an Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy (completely anthropomorphic and fictitious) that raped his own mother before he was born, but she never even once had sex, honest, cross my fingers and all.

Flocks of curios[sic] people hurried to Santa Lucia Church in March 2006 to take a look at the statue after several elderly female churchgoers said they saw red drops on its face.

Perhaps the fact that a person already believes in preposterous yarns make it that much easier for them to accept additional ridiculous claims.

[tags]Vincenzo Di Costanzo, Forli, Italy, Fraud, Virgin Mary, statue, blood, tears, Santa Lucia Church, apparition, miracle, Catholic Church, weeping madonna[/tags]

Our Lady of the Hand Held Camera

Friday, June 8th, 2007

Our Lady of the Hand Held CameraAs any fool can plainly see, this photograph that was taken with insufficient lighting using a hand held camera includes a chromatic aberration that undeniably reveals the presence of Our Lady of the Hand Held Camera. In fact quite a few fools are able to see this reportedly virginal mother of an imaginary deity.

And if you squint just the right way and you are willing to believe anything at all you can even see her perfectly intact hymen that has never even once been penetrated with one of those naughty bits that boys have and which make the Baby Jesus cry.

Apparently back in 1968 a woman afflicted with Catholicism hallucinated the appearance of a fictional Virgin Mother who can also be observed using a camera fitted with a low quality lens and operated by an incompetent photographer. The only other requirement is that the incompetent photographer must also be afflicted with Catholicism, otherwise they might make the tragic mistake of misidentifying a miraculous photographic apparition for what is sometimes called an armpit shot.

But back to 1968. The first apparition, as it turns out, was actually St. Theresa, a familiar and possible lesbian lover of the Holy Virgin Mother. This first apparition supposedly communicated sooper seekrit messages from Our Lady of the Hand Held Camera. Then in April 1970 Veronica Luekin hallucinated that Our Lady of the Hand Held Camera was appearing right in her own house. How convenient! It is always nice to have virginal parents of imaginary deities visit us while we are enjoying the comfy chair. As proof of these seemingly preposterous claims we have the overwhelming photographic evidence of the inclination of the human brain to detect facial patterns with minimal clues. And of course the evidence of the perfectly intact and miraculous hymen is undeniable in this photo.

Veronica went on to reveal to the world some dire warnings about Satan roaming the streets in the United States of America, and certain direct orders she had received from hymen girl. In an odd coincidence much of the information conveyed by Mrs Luekin seemed to resemble the psychotic ravings found in certain ancient tribal scrolls from the Middle East, where psychosis still rules the day.

There does seem to be some online competition among various websites for the title of official website of this series of delusional episodes. For more entertainment Google Our Lady of the Roses.

[tags]Virgin, Marian apparition, chromatic aberration, hymen, Mary, pareidolia[/tags]

Our Lady of 1 Million Tourists a Year

Friday, April 6th, 2007

On August 21, 1879 there was not much commercial activity in the very small village of Knock, Ireland. But on that evening 15 people claimed to have seen a triple miracle with John the Baptist, Saint Joseph, and a lady whose vagina had never been penetrated by a human penis all appearing in a church that was, oddly enough, a Catholic Church. The Prophet Mohammed and Buddha were not observed.
Our Lady of One Million Tourists a Year, Knock IE
As cameras were not available on that date we can only offer a suggested serving type illustration of the famous virginal mother with the perfectly intact hymen who never once took the whole thing.

The entire economy of the 500-person village of Knock, Ireland revolves around this fairy tale and the fact that millions of people world-wide are afflicted, even to this day, with belief that a Virgin can give birth to the imaginary Creator of the Universe.

Now of course, with our modern medical science it is possible for a virgin to be made pregnant, but this does not require invisible ghosts that molest underage children without informed consent, or even an Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy.

But back to Knock in Ireland, some say that a million and a half tourists visit Knock per year, and the local branch of the Holy Roman Boy Rape Corporation serves up a million wafer thin slices of Jesus meat in communion every year. But there is no evidence beyond hearsay that would support the supposed appearance of an alleged virgin who would have been nearly 2,000 years old, if she ever did exist in the first place.

We wanted to be sure to post something sacrilegious in recognition of the bunnies that usually lay multicolored eggs this time of year, and we already did a Chocolate Jesus story, but we had no stories of recent hallucinations to report, that’s why we turned to the Irish Tourist industry for today’s perfectly intact hymen tale. No altar boys were raped in the production of this blog entry.

[tags]hymen, virginity, hallucinations, altar boys, pedophilia, Catholic Church, Ireland, Tourism income, Virgin Mary, Mother of God, Marian Apparition, sacrilege[/tags]

Our Lady of The City of The Dead, Believe One, Get One Free

Thursday, March 22nd, 2007

Our Lady of the Cemetery, part 1
The City of Colma, California is famous primarily because of the fact that the vast majority of it’s citizens are dead. We’re talking in the ground, planted, buried. Most of the city consists of cemeteries. Some of the cemeteries are visited from time to time by people afflicted with Catholicism. And so, with the heightened emotional state of family members visiting grave-sites, the stage was set for an unusual dual sighting of the Miraculous Mother Mary with Completely Intact and Never Penetrated Hymen as proof of her Virtuous Vaginal Virginity.

In December, 1998 persons seemingly absent of critical thinking skills began reporting that they had hallucinated the presence of Our Lady of the Cemetery, Free Bonus part 2 an imaginary Virgin Mother while looking at the obviously wooden wound on a tree in the Olivet Cemetery. As often happens in cases of this sort, crowds of people subject to belief in fairy tales began to converge on the scene.

In fact this particular incident of mass hysteria drew such large crowds that some would-be hallucinators had difficulty approaching the scene in order to ooh and ahh at the ordinary deciduous tree. That is when the second miracle occurred, members of the faithful who were shut out by the Catholics that got there first suddenly perceived an additional miraculous presence, a Totally Identical Virgin Mother of God who is the Father of God who is the Son of God who is God who may have been his own paternal grandfather. It was a sort of believe one get one free bonus, conveniently located in another part of the cemetery that was less crowded.

Fortunately the faithful who hallucinated at tree number one did not find it necessary to accuse those hallucinating at tree number two of crimes such as heresy, schism, or other crimes that are sometimes committed in the shade of a tree that has never been penetrated by a single penis, except of course for the little tiny Baby Penis of Jesus which passed, arguably uncircumcised, through the Miracle Vagina on his way out one cold night in Bethlehem. Mind you we make no claim that the Miraculous Penis of Jesus did anything overtly sexual as he was being born, after all, how can a Miraculous Virgin Mother of God still be chaste and pure if she has been spermed?

[tags]pareidolia, hymen, vagina, Virgin Mary, Jesus, Penis, Heresy, Schism, Cemetery, Hallucination, sperm, Mother of God, Marian apparition, critical thinking[/tags]

Our Lady of the Clearly Defective Paneling

Friday, March 9th, 2007

In August 2006 customers at a Souplantation Restaurant in San Diego, California hallucinated an apparition of an obviously fictititious female quasi-deity when they viewed a piece of wood paneling that was obviously defective and should never have been installed in the first place.

Our Lady of the Clearly Defective Paneling

Of course anyone who is afflicted with Catholicism and already prone to adopt and profess obviously preposterous beliefs without any basis in fact whatsoever is halfway to a false conclusion just by walking in the door of a restaurant that serves soup and salad as if it could be a meal. Hello? Where’s the beef?

You normally would not expect to find people afflicted with religion hanging out in a hippie venue like Souplantation, where even the croutons are organic. Perhaps this accounts for the fact that this particular piece of shamefully low quality paneling was on display for years before anybody even noticed that a lady that had never been boinked was right there in front of them.

Maybe the original Catholics that made this discovery were from out of town and did not know the true nature of the infamous Souplantation chain.

We contacted a parish priest in the area, and he agreed to discuss this matter only if it was done without attribution. Father O’Reilly (not his real name) indicated that Church higher-ups believe this apparition has been publicized as part of a sinister plot to lure faithful Catholics into the vegetarian lifestyle.

Catholics are well known as meat eaters, and are required to eat meat that comes from the founder of their faith, a man who is now over 2,000 years old. Thank goodness for refrigeration!

This paneling obviously was not made with virgin wood! I’m knot convinced.

[tags]pareidolia, catholicism, croutons, Virgin Mary, soup and salad, hallucinations, vegetarian agenda, San Diego, knot[/tags]

Our Lady of the Coffee Stained Title Page

Thursday, March 8th, 2007

In 1999 a book lover in San Francisco was examining an old hardback copy of the novel Ulysses by James Joyce when he discovered a stain from a dark brown liquid on the title page. Jason Rosette had just finished work on the movie BookWars, when, with his interest in books peaked, he handled the novel written by the famous Irishman.

Our Lady of the Coffee Stained Title Page

While crowds of faithful true believers have not swamped Jason’s 3rd floor apartment in the Haight Ashbury district it is obvious that the Holy Mother of God’s Son who is God who is God’s Father who is his own son and his own father, not to even mention grandparents, had made another miraculous appearance in her favorite city for trolling gay bars.

It’s miraculous, we are sure, because it is not everyday that a gay man meets a virgin named Mary.

Note we are not suggesting that Jason is, himself, a gay man as we have no information whatsoever about him. It is simply a fact that San Francisco is well known as the Virgin Mary’s favorite city. As a virgin, she prefers the company of gay men, and it is well known that virgins are few and far between in the famous City by the Bay. Social anthropologists believe this incident may be the origin of the widespread practice among gay men of calling each other Mary, the Virgin attribution is often left out in this usage case.

At the time eBay was known only to computer nerds, mostly in the South Bay some thirty miles or so south of the site of this miracle. So Jason has chosen to use direct selling as a revenue enhancement plan. As noted on the linked page, the fact that James Joyce was raised as a Catholic offers further proof of this miracle.

[tags]pareidolia, Virgin Mary, gay men, miracles, apparitions, James Joyce, Ulysses, San Francisco, gay bars[/tags]

Our Lady of the Honey Mustard Pretzel

Sunday, March 4th, 2007

In early 2005 The Holy Mother of God selected the Rold Gold brand of tasty snacks as a new avenue to reach the faithful with her message of divine reproduction by way of abstinence from sex.

In an ordinary Nebraska household occupied by a family afflicted with Catholicism, Mary miraculously caused a pretzel to become twisted into a shape and size that fit perfectly on an eBay auction page. 12 year old Crysta Naylor was munching on a bag of Rold Gold Honey Mustard Pretzels when she found an unusually shaped pretzel that appeared to be over 2,000 years old.

Reports do not indicate if the odd shaped pretzel was compared to the use by date on the package, but it is well known that most Rold Gold pretzels are nowhere near 2,000 years old when they reach the consumer. In fact archeologists have never discovered a pretzel in the wild that carbon dated as even 1,800 years old. This pretzel brought with it the potential for great scientific advances in our understanding of snack foods of the Biblical era.

Going beyond the usual miraculous apparition of just a Virgin Mother with completely intact Holy Hymen that had never been penetrated with a hot, manly rod – this miraculous apparition made of wheat flour and salt even included the incestuous love child of the Virgin Mary, who, according to reports, was his own father as well as his own Son. Anyone afflicted with Catholicism can easily explain that God is the Son of God but they are the same person. It’s sort of like being your own grandpa, but with the addition of plagues of locusts.

After an eBay auction the pretzel became the property of a well known casino that buys grilled cheese sandwiches too. We are told that this casino welcomes patrons who are afflicted with Catholicism, and in the spirit of tolerance and multiculturalism, the bouncers do not eject gamblers who are observed praying to the Virgin of Tasty Snacks to bless them with good luck on the slots.

[tags]Virgin Mary, hymen, pretzels, pareidolia, eBay auctions, Nebraska, dumbass[/tags]

Our Lady of the Pruned Maple Tree

Wednesday, February 28th, 2007

In the fall of 2006, a Lockport, NY woman with a really bad case of Catholic heard a voice telling her to go and look at her Maple tree. Antonia “Toni” Filipertis, 84 years old, immediately recognized the voice she had never heard before as coming from an ancient, mythical virgin whom she deeply wanted to believe really did exist.


Personally, when someone speaks to me I’m not likely to recognize their voice or identify them by their speech patterns unless I have previously heard that person speak, but that’s just me. And I do understand there are some excellent medications available for people who hear voices inside their head. But, hey, let’s give Antonia the benefit of the doubt about the voices and examine the Miraculous Maple of Mother Mary.

At a first glance it seems to be a tree that has been previously pruned. Judging from the color of the wound left behind it seems to have been pruned quite some time ago. Maybe I could try taking a stupid pill, or getting really stoned, or something, but in my present non-altered state I see nothing, nothing at all except a tree that has had a fairly large branch cut off.

So apparently the Holy Mother of God, the one and only woman who ever gave birth without actually doing it, is so hard to see that She has to make voices in your head before you’ll notice She has taken up residence in your front yard.

I do see cracks in this tree wound, does that mean that Jesus’ Mom finally broke her Holy Hymen?

[tags]pareidolia, Virgin Mary, apparitions, hymen, virginity, hallucinations, schizophrenia, God delusion[/tags]

Our Lady of Obviously Just Tree Bark

Tuesday, February 27th, 2007

Watsonville, California is a seaside farming community south of the more famous Santa Cruz. Many wonderful vegetables from the Brassica family flourish there because of the cool sea breezes.

In 1993 a woman was already praying to an Imaginary Virgin Mother, which may have preselected her to believe things that have no basis in reality, when she concluded that a perfectly ordinary wound in the bark of a nearby oak tree was actually an apparition of her favorite fictional quasi-deity character. And as sometimes happens when an obviously preposterous claim is made, it became a religious shrine. Religion is very useful when reality leaves us unsatisfied, it lets you believe anything at all without requiring annoying facts or rational explanations.

Once again, as seems always the case, this supposed apparition of a fictional virgin seems vaguely shaped like female genitalia, a virgin vagina of oak. And, really, sometimes an oak tree is just an oak tree.

[tags]pareidolia, Virgin Mary, Watsonville, apparition, miracle[/tags]

Our Lady of the Firewood Log

Tuesday, February 27th, 2007

In March 2006 a Wisconsin woman was about to throw another log on the fire when she noticed a pattern that her brain perceived as an image of that famous tree-lady, the Holy Virginal Mother of God with the perfectly pure vagina that had never been penetrated even once.

Most of the miraculous appearances of the Virgin of the Forests reveal an average to slender build on the Super Virgin, but this fictional representation of a mythical character presents a fairly corpulent manifestation. Good for heavy people!

If I was an overweight lady that was afflicted with Catholicism I might take great comfort from this hallucination.

Or is she pregnant with the Intelligent Designer of the Universe?

[tags]pareidolia, Catholicism, Virgin Mary, apparitions, mass hysteria, Wisconsin, firewood[/tags]

Our Lady of the Pet Turtle

Tuesday, February 27th, 2007

In August 2006 a Chicago area woman afflicted with Catholicism perceived the image of the Virgin Mary on the bottom of the carapace of her pet turtle.

Dolly Fordyce, 58, said: “I thought we were going crazy the first time I saw it. I looked at it and said, ‘It can’t be.’ But then I looked again. I mean, you can’t deny it.”

Mrs Fordyce may be mistaken. It is actually very easy to deny that this marking on the bottom of a turtle is an apparition of some fictional virginal Mommy of a non-existent deity.

Let’s hope she has plenty of dead flies to feed to the Holy Mother of God.

[tags]pareidolia, virgin mary, pet turtles, mass hysteria, Catholicism[/tags]

Our Lady of the Gnarly Tree Trunk

Tuesday, February 27th, 2007

Also in the year 2003, a year already made famous by a war based on a pack of lies, a lady who was admittedly afflicted with religious beliefs spotted a gnarly tree trunk in an area where some trees had been recently cut down in Passaic, New Jersey.

In order to boost up the hype in this incident, the press joined in the fray by repeating ad nauseum that the gnarly tree trunk from heaven was amidst a group of trees that had been “mysteriously cut down”. Sometimes people use chainsaws to cut down trees, is a chainsaw mysterious? Others suggested there was no possible reason why the trees were cut down, concluding from this baseless claim that therefore God himself had cleared the trees because he wanted to show off his Mommy’s vagina. Certainly nobody on the East Coast of the USA has ever cut down a tree for firewood, so yeah, that proves it was an Act Of God!

Is it just me, or do all of these miraculous apparitions resemble the shape of a human vagina? No harm in that, of course, half the people on this planet have vaginas.

In this case the tree seems to have suffered some damage to the labia, as can be seen on our left. Could this be as the result of a virgin birth? Obviously it did not happen when the tree was having intercourse!

To this day, Catholics in the Passaic area are still out there stumping for Mary.

[tags]pareidolia, virgin mary, hallucinations, Catholicism, mass hysteria, apparitions, vaginas[/tags]