Virgin Mary (again)

Our Lady of the Well Charred Sycamore Tree

Posted on November 14th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings, Woody Virgins.

In October 2007 there were suddenly over a dozen wildfires burning in Southern California. San Diego County was hit the hardest with hundreds of homes burnt to the ground, but even rural areas of Los Angeles County were affected too.

The Buckweed Fire along the Sierra Highway left one Sycamore tree dead in Agua Dulce, with its bark burnt off the standing trunk.

Since one part of the exposed tree trunk had a roughly vaginal-shaped area, persons afflicted with Catholicism have begun hallucinating an apparition of Our Lady of the Well Charred Sycamore Tree, the patron saint of wildfires and hundreds of houses burnt to the ground.

Since The Holy Virgin of Severely Burnt to Death Sycamore Trees is the Mother of God, and Since the Son of God has God as his Daddy, it is only through her perfectly intact hymen that was never once penetrated by any boy’s naughty bits that we can thank God for being His own Son, His own Father, His Ghostly Spirit that glows in the dark, and His Grandpa, Grandson, and, you know – it’s all in the family.

Poor Joseph. According to the official Catholic fairy tales he never even got any once, because Our Lady of the Well Charred Sycamore Tree was auto-uplifted directly into heaven using a sooper-seekrit invisible elevator technique as a still perfectly hymen-intact virgin at the time when she would have otherwise died if she had even once taken the whole thing.

I wonder if God had to wait until a certain specific time of day to use the sooper-seekrit invisible elevator to get his Mommy up to heaven? What with the Earth rotating it seems like the optimal timing for the most direct ascent trajectory would depend to a great degree on the time of day in Israel. The time of year would have been a factor too, what with the Earth rotating on an axis that is not perfectly perpendicular to the Sun.

I guess the Son of Virgin Mommy, whose Daddy was God which is Him Himself, could have made certain adjustments to the orbital trajectory of the planet in order to line up the Holy Hymen with the Heavenly hosts.

Technorati Tags: Hymen, Marian Apparition, Holy Virgin Mother of God, Our Lady of the Well Charred Sycamore Tree, Agua Dolce, Sycamore Tree, pareidolia, fairy tales, incest, Virgin Mary, Miraculous Assumption, Assumption of Mary, virgin, virginity, vagina

2 comments.

Our Lady of the Shrink Wrapped Pot Roast

Posted on May 1st, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Edible Virgins, High Cholesterol Sightings, New Sightings.

Two American ladies, locale not specified, have located the Holy Virgin Mother of God posing as a beef pot roast in their local supermarket.

Some commercials ask “Where’s the beef?”, but if those marketing people were really clever they might ask instead “Where’s the Virgin?”, and of course, who doesn’t like eating a virgin?

It has been known for some time that eating God is not only acceptable, but rather a sign of piety of the highest magnitude. So what the heck, if it is OK to eat God, why not eat God’s mother too? After all, she is a Virgin, so no worries about STDs.

I like rare fillet of Virgin hymen, or water chestnuts wrapped in un-penetrated and lightly roasted labia, and of course we always use Extra Virgin Olive Oil to saute our Holy Virgin Mother of God fried beef steaks. You can also make your Virgin Mary Jerk by rubbing her in certain areas with a mixture of salt and spices.

If you consume Jesus’ Blood, a wheat gluten Jesus meat slice (it’s wafer thin!), and a healthy Virgin Mary pot roast all in one day you can be excused from going to Mass for one whole week.

And whenever I’m off for an extended trip to the Holy Land in search of Virgin Mary tampon relics, I always take along some Holy Mary Mother of God Virgin Beef Jerky to help keep up my energy. It’s nutritious and high in piety too.

Where’s the Virgin? She’s what’s for dinner!

Technorati Tags: hymen, labia, Virgin, cannibalism, Catholicism, communion, gluten, pot roast, Marian apparition, youtube, Catholic Church, cholesterol, pareidolia

5 comments.

Our Lady of the Fraudulent Tears of Blood

Posted on April 23rd, 2008 by Ungodly.
Categories: fraudulent sightings, Old Sightings, Really Lame Sightings.

An Italian Catholic church custodian is on trial in Forli, Italy for committing religious fraud. If only this was a new trend!

Of course uttering the phrase religious fraud is as redundant as saying Republican liar, but in this case the fraud was so far over the top that even the Roman Catholic Church did not exploit it for financial gain. It seems that in this case the fraud was initially successful, allowing people who wanted to believe that an underage teenage child was raped by the creator of the universe to regard the fraud as proof of their completely delusional beliefs.

Two things are different in this case. First is that the perpetrator of this religious fraud was actually caught. The second difference is that the fraud became public knowledge. It seems as though the Catholic Church really is losing control over the government of Italy. An actual criminal prosecution of a religious huckster, especially the Roman Catholic brand of huckster, would have been completely unheard of back in the days when the Catholic Church was playing footsie with the Nazis.

This seems to be another case of fraud surrounding the Imaginary Virgin Mother (already fraudulent in this first place) of an Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy (completely anthropomorphic and fictitious) that raped his own mother before he was born, but she never even once had sex, honest, cross my fingers and all.

Flocks of curios[sic] people hurried to Santa Lucia Church in March 2006 to take a look at the statue after several elderly female churchgoers said they saw red drops on its face.

Perhaps the fact that a person already believes in preposterous yarns make it that much easier for them to accept additional ridiculous claims.

Technorati Tags: Vincenzo Di Costanzo, Forli, Italy, Fraud, Virgin Mary, statue, blood, tears, Santa Lucia Church, apparition, miracle, Catholic Church, weeping madonna

7 comments.

Our Lady of The City of The Dead, Believe One, Get One Free

Posted on March 22nd, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, Bonus Extra Sightings, Old Sightings, Really Lame Sightings.

The City of Colma, California is famous primarily because of the fact that the vast majority of it’s citizens are dead. We’re talking in the ground, planted, buried. Most of the city consists of cemeteries. Some of the cemeteries are visited from time to time by people afflicted with Catholicism. And so, with the heightened emotional state of family members visiting grave-sites, the stage was set for an unusual dual sighting of the Miraculous Mother Mary with Completely Intact and Never Penetrated Hymen as proof of her Virtuous Vaginal Virginity.

In December, 1998 persons seemingly absent of critical thinking skills began reporting that they had hallucinated the presence of an imaginary Virgin Mother while looking at the obviously wooden wound on a tree in the Olivet Cemetery. As often happens in cases of this sort, crowds of people subject to belief in fairy tales began to converge on the scene.

In fact this particular incident of mass hysteria drew such large crowds that some would-be hallucinators had difficulty approaching the scene in order to ooh and ahh at the ordinary deciduous tree. That is when the second miracle occurred, members of the faithful who were shut out by the Catholics that got there first suddenly perceived an additional miraculous presence, a Totally Identical Virgin Mother of God who is the Father of God who is the Son of God who is God who may have been his own paternal grandfather. It was a sort of believe one get one free bonus, conveniently located in another part of the cemetery that was less crowded.

Fortunately the faithful who hallucinated at tree number one did not find it necessary to accuse those hallucinating at tree number two of crimes such as heresy, schism, or other crimes that are sometimes committed in the shade of a tree that has never been penetrated by a single penis, except of course for the little tiny Baby Penis of Jesus which passed, arguably uncircumcised, through the Miracle Vagina on his way out one cold night in Bethlehem. Mind you we make no claim that the Miraculous Penis of Jesus did anything overtly sexual as he was being born, after all, how can a Miraculous Virgin Mother of God still be chaste and pure if she has been spermed?

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, hymen, vagina, Virgin Mary, Jesus, Penis, Heresy, Schism, Cemetery, Hallucination, sperm, Mother of God, Marian apparition, critical thinking

0 comments.

Our Lady of the Freeway Underpass

Posted on February 26th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Old Sightings.

Obdulia Delgado, by her own admission, is afflicted with religious beliefs. She believes that invisible super pals live outside of space and time, yet somehow have voodoo like powers to control what happens in the real world. It is a very common malady for human beings to buy ancient fairy tales lock stock and barrel because their well-meaning and similarly afflicted parents slipped a bunch of preposterous ideas into their head while they were too young to evaluate fairy tales and reject them.

So it was that poor Obdulia, her brain operating on a host of false assumptions, was pre-disposed to see things that were not there and believe that they were.

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, virgin mary, ancient fairy tales, concrete vagina

I’m not sure what you may see when you look at these road salt deposits on a concrete bridge structure, but to me it seems to resemble female genitalia. Could it be that what Obdulia Delgado really saw was Our Lady of the Concrete Vagina? That might explain the virginity angle. I don’t think I know a single straight man that gets turned on by concrete.

In any case, it is clearly a case of pareidolia, innit?

1 comment.

Our Lady of the Storm Window Broken by a Rock

Posted on June 19th, 2009 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, chromatic aberrration sightings, Really Lame Sightings.

Some time ago a lawn mower propelled a rock which struck a window in the home of Greg and Debbie Sapp in Jesup, GA.

The rock damaged the outer glass of the dual pane window allowing the exchange of air and eventually creating a vagina-shaped mark on the inside of the window. It’s a miracle! How else can you explain the fact that a stain much like other stains in other defective dual pane windows appeared in a roughly vagina shaped form at the home of a family already afflicted with preposterous ancient superstitions about a pregnant virgin giving birth to a son who made her pregnant and was his own son, his own dad, and let’s not even think about the grandfather. God the Father, God the Son, God the Virgin Child Molester – patron saint of Catholic Priests.

Pareidolia is the psychological phenomenon that manifests itself in the strong tendency of the human mind to recognize shapes that are not there. In prehistoric times, when virgins seldom got pregnant or manifested themselves inside storm windows, it may have been very useful for human vision to be especially keen at recognizing the face of a tiger lurking behind that bush over there. So evolution may have favored those primates that were especially keen at quickly recognizing a familiar face, shape, or virgin bride who never once had a stiff, hard penis thrusting powerfully in and out of her hot, juicy love canal.

Seriously though, if you were the first one in your tribe to recognize a predator about to pounce you might have had better odds of living long enough to reproduce, thus giving your tendency to recognize vague shapes better odds of being passed on.

This does not mean that every time a human mind recognizes something familiar to their imagination in a nearby object that the face or shape recognized is really there. It does seem as though only people who think this imaginary ancient mother of a popular fictional character never took the whole thing – those folks are the ones who see her in defective window panes.

And it’s nice when rational people have another good reason to ridicule preposterous ancient fairy tales. At least, we enjoy it. If the Virgin Mary gave some hot looking guy a really great blow job she would still be a virgin, right? It’s all about a penis going into a vagina, which, makes me wonder why so many Catholic priests speak so highly of this innocent vagina-pure imaginary lady, I mean, she was never even an altar boy.

Technorati Tags: Virgin Mary, apparition, marian apparition, pure vagina, never took it, sacred blow jobs, defective windows, Pareidolia

3 comments.

Our Lady of the Defective Double Glazed Window

Posted on February 27th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Old Sightings.

Over 25,00 members of the faithful flocked to Milton Hospital in Milton, Massachusetts in 2003 to see a miraculously defective double glazed window. Apparently the Holy Mother of God is able to cause rubber gaskets in insulated windows to fail with the superpower of her Miraculous Vagina.

The seal in this window had failed many years ago, and alas for the poor neglected virgin it took 5 years before anybody noticed her presence near the top of a Miraculous Brick Wall.

Unfortunately Milton Hospital is not a psychiatric facility, so there was no use in admitting any of the 25,000 who appeared in just one weekend. Certainly Action News (film at 11) must have played a part in whipping up the hysteria, it’s good for the ratings, you know?

Stories suggest the hospital had contacted local representative of the Catholic Church Corporation, trying to get them to restrain the faithful. Later the hospital administrator, seeming to like his job, said “No, No, No we love religious nutjobs” or something to that effect.

Finally, in an apparent attempt to control the throngs of religiously-afflicted onlookers the hospital installed a drape on the outside of the window which they kept lowered during the daytime, allowing it to be viewed only after regular business hours.

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, Virgin Mary, apparitions, rubber gaskets, hysteria

0 comments.

Our Lady of Yet Another Boring Vagina Shaped Tree Wound

Posted on July 11th, 2012 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, fraudulent sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings, Woody Virgins.

When a person who was pre-infected with beliefs in a fictional virgin noticed a vaguely vagina shaped wound in the bark of a tree he was already predisposed to recognize the non-existent virgin nobody has ever seen. After all, there is a shape there!

The tree, located in West New York, NJ, was just minding its own business, when some Catholic came along and knew right away that this spot where a branch had obviously once been (duh) was a miracle.

Let’s not let the fact that the Catholic who recognized virgin mommy had never seen her in person interfere with our willingness to believe an obviously preposterous claim.

story

Note to Catholics: your failure to accurately perceive objective reality is very amusing. Keep it up.

0 comments.

Our Lady of the Hand Held Camera

Posted on June 8th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, Old Sightings, Really Lame Sightings.

As any fool can plainly see, this photograph that was taken with insufficient lighting using a hand held camera includes a chromatic aberration that undeniably reveals the presence of Our Lady of the Hand Held Camera. In fact quite a few fools are able to see this reportedly virginal mother of an imaginary deity.

And if you squint just the right way and you are willing to believe anything at all you can even see her perfectly intact hymen that has never even once been penetrated with one of those naughty bits that boys have and which make the Baby Jesus cry.

Apparently back in 1968 a woman afflicted with Catholicism hallucinated the appearance of a fictional Virgin Mother who can also be observed using a camera fitted with a low quality lens and operated by an incompetent photographer. The only other requirement is that the incompetent photographer must also be afflicted with Catholicism, otherwise they might make the tragic mistake of misidentifying a miraculous photographic apparition for what is sometimes called an armpit shot.

But back to 1968. The first apparition, as it turns out, was actually St. Theresa, a familiar and possible lesbian lover of the Holy Virgin Mother. This first apparition supposedly communicated sooper seekrit messages from Our Lady of the Hand Held Camera. Then in April 1970 Veronica Luekin hallucinated that Our Lady of the Hand Held Camera was appearing right in her own house. How convenient! It is always nice to have virginal parents of imaginary deities visit us while we are enjoying the comfy chair. As proof of these seemingly preposterous claims we have the overwhelming photographic evidence of the inclination of the human brain to detect facial patterns with minimal clues. And of course the evidence of the perfectly intact and miraculous hymen is undeniable in this photo.

Veronica went on to reveal to the world some dire warnings about Satan roaming the streets in the United States of America, and certain direct orders she had received from hymen girl. In an odd coincidence much of the information conveyed by Mrs Luekin seemed to resemble the psychotic ravings found in certain ancient tribal scrolls from the Middle East, where psychosis still rules the day.

There does seem to be some online competition among various websites for the title of official website of this series of delusional episodes. For more entertainment Google Our Lady of the Roses.

Technorati Tags: Virgin, Marian apparition, chromatic aberration, hymen, Mary, pareidolia

0 comments.

Our Lady of Obviously Just a Column of Ice

Posted on February 5th, 2009 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, eBay Virgins, Edible Virgins, fraudulent sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings.

In Plymouth Michigan this week a gentleman who might seem to be afflicted with Catholic-brand religious delusions has convinced himself that he can see a 2,000 year old Virgin Mother with Perfectly Intact Hymen in a column of ice outside his mobile home. And of course if he imagines that he is recognizing a woman that he has never met and who quite likely never existed, then only his belief is required to convince a person who has already chosen to accept as true absolutely ridiculous ancient fairy tales of virgin births and infants with super powers inherited from their invisible Sky Daddy.

Lionel Gonzalez says “This is unbelievable” and on that one point we certainly do agree. We do not believe that frozen water in a Michigan mobile home park is a sign of divine intervention at the home of a highly suggestible fellow who is known to already believe completely fact-free fairy tales.

On our rating scale of Marian Apparitions, which starts at utterly preposterous and goes all the way up to laughably ridiculous, this very silly incident gets only utterly preposterous for a 1 on a scale of 1 to 5.

Looking at this columnar shaped piece of ice it only vaguely resembles the shape of a human vagina that has never once been penetrated by a stiff, manly, rock hard penis. You can’t even see her completely virginal and absolutely intact hymen. If this formation ever spawned we think it would just be ice cubes, and not divine sons of a super duper sky faerie sent here to be murdered by humans so that the angry, confrontational, temper-prone Sky Faerie Daddy can forgive us humans because at least we killed his Son.

Religious delusions aside, it’s just frozen water and nothing more. If Mister Gonzalez intends to sell this Holy Mary Mother of God Icicle on eBay he better get with it quickly before the weather warms up and she melts like the witch in The Wizard of Oz.

Technorati Tags: Marian Apparition, Ice, hymen, vagina, virgin, penis, Sky Faerie, Son of God, pareidolia, virgin mother, eBay, Virgin Mary, Mother of God, Michigan, Plymouth, Lionel Gonzalez, penis, fairy tales, unbelievable

2 comments.

Our Lady of the Coffee Stained Title Page

Posted on March 8th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Old Sightings.

In 1999 a book lover in San Francisco was examining an old hardback copy of the novel Ulysses by James Joyce when he discovered a stain from a dark brown liquid on the title page. Jason Rosette had just finished work on the movie BookWars, when, with his interest in books peaked, he handled the novel written by the famous Irishman.

While crowds of faithful true believers have not swamped Jason’s 3rd floor apartment in the Haight Ashbury district it is obvious that the Holy Mother of God’s Son who is God who is God’s Father who is his own son and his own father, not to even mention grandparents, had made another miraculous appearance in her favorite city for trolling gay bars.

It’s miraculous, we are sure, because it is not everyday that a gay man meets a virgin named Mary.

Note we are not suggesting that Jason is, himself, a gay man as we have no information whatsoever about him. It is simply a fact that San Francisco is well known as the Virgin Mary’s favorite city. As a virgin, she prefers the company of gay men, and it is well known that virgins are few and far between in the famous City by the Bay. Social anthropologists believe this incident may be the origin of the widespread practice among gay men of calling each other Mary, the Virgin attribution is often left out in this usage case.

At the time eBay was known only to computer nerds, mostly in the South Bay some thirty miles or so south of the site of this miracle. So Jason has chosen to use direct selling as a revenue enhancement plan. As noted on the linked page, the fact that James Joyce was raised as a Catholic offers further proof of this miracle.

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, Virgin Mary, gay men, miracles, apparitions, James Joyce, Ulysses, San Francisco, gay bars

0 comments.

Our Lady of the Clearly Defective Paneling

Posted on March 9th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Old Sightings.

In August 2006 customers at a Souplantation Restaurant in San Diego, California hallucinated an apparition of an obviously fictititious female quasi-deity when they viewed a piece of wood paneling that was obviously defective and should never have been installed in the first place.

Of course anyone who is afflicted with Catholicism and already prone to adopt and profess obviously preposterous beliefs without any basis in fact whatsoever is halfway to a false conclusion just by walking in the door of a restaurant that serves soup and salad as if it could be a meal. Hello? Where’s the beef?

You normally would not expect to find people afflicted with religion hanging out in a hippie venue like Souplantation, where even the croutons are organic. Perhaps this accounts for the fact that this particular piece of shamefully low quality paneling was on display for years before anybody even noticed that a lady that had never been boinked was right there in front of them.

Maybe the original Catholics that made this discovery were from out of town and did not know the true nature of the infamous Souplantation chain.

We contacted a parish priest in the area, and he agreed to discuss this matter only if it was done without attribution. Father O’Reilly (not his real name) indicated that Church higher-ups believe this apparition has been publicized as part of a sinister plot to lure faithful Catholics into the vegetarian lifestyle.

Catholics are well known as meat eaters, and are required to eat meat that comes from the founder of their faith, a man who is now over 2,000 years old. Thank goodness for refrigeration!

This paneling obviously was not made with virgin wood! I’m knot convinced.

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, catholicism, croutons, Virgin Mary, soup and salad, hallucinations, vegetarian agenda, San Diego, knot

3 comments.

Miraculous domain name sighted at GoDaddy

Posted on February 26th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: New Sightings.

Visitors to GoDaddy and whois servers reported the miraculous sighting of a Virgin Mary website on their flat panel LCD displays on Monday February 26, 2007.

Web pundits have conjectured that Our Lady of Intact Hymen was making an appearance at the home of a queer webmaster, possibly seeking fashion and accessory tips. Some have suggested that Her dress style is outdated.

We’ll be reporting in more detail as the situation develops. Please stay tuned to http://VirginMaryAgain.com/

Technorati Tags: hallucinations, pareidolia, apparitions, Virgin Mary, catholicism, urban myths

0 comments.

Our Lady of the Shiny Polished Stone with Intact Hymen

Posted on February 25th, 2009 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, eBay Virgins, fraudulent sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings.

A gentleman from Pocatello Idaho recently obtained a stone in Las Vegas, and upon returning home he began to polish the very attractive stone. Soon a pattern began to emerge and the gentleman imagined he was seeing the image of the 2,000 year old allegedly virgin mother of a super pal from invisible space behind the sky whose mommy, the gal in the stone, supposedly had an intact hymen that had never been pushed aside by a rock hard penis intent on penetrating her warm, fictional cavity. Some invisible sky ghost supposedly raped her, and she allegedly got pregnant with a super baby, just so humans could kill her super-powered son in order to persuade his Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy to forgive us, because, after all, we did kill his son for Him. This all makes sense, right?

Sergio Romero had never met this fictional virgin, and since she is an invention no one else had either. This did not discourage the gentleman from recognizing the image of a supposed virgin that neither he nor any other human being had ever seen.

Apparently the stone has had such a profoundly spiritual effect on Mr Romero that he intends to sell it on eBay to the gullible fool willing to waste the most cash. Truly, there is one born every minute. Imagine owning your own polished stone featuring a virginal vagina that never once took the whole thing, with a pure mineral intact hymen to prove it! Bid now, someone else may be more gullible than you are.

Technorati Tags: Virgin, marian apparition, mother of god, hail mary, holy mary mother of god, hymen, blessed virgin, pareidolia, Imaginary virgins, imaginary deities, chumps, hymen, eBay

0 comments.

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