Virgin Mary (again)

Our Lady of the Miraculous Icicle

Posted on March 6th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: New Sightings.

Once again, the Holy Mother of God has chosen the US state of Texas for a miraculous apparition that can not possibly be explained by those annoying scientists and liberals.

Seeming to completely defy the laws of physics and our usual concepts of space and time, the only mother in human history who never took the whole thing has miraculously appeared in the form of an icicle in the most unlikely of places – a freezer.

Alma Avolos, an employee of Morton Thrifty Foods in Morton TX, noticed it was cold in the walk-in freezer just an instant before she saw this miraculous icicle that was inexplicably located beneath an area where condensation had begun to form. Any fool can clearly see that this is the Virginal Mother of God with perfectly intact, and indeed rigid and cold Virginal Vagina with an intact water-based hymen. Quite a few have already.

Gynecologists agree that there is no sign this Mother of God has ever engaged in sexual intercourse, not even with another icicle.

Morton Thrifty Foods has noted a huge increase in foot traffic which seems oddly linked to a decline in popsicle sales. A skeptical reporter who went to see the Freezer Shrine of Mary reported a cool reception. Hopefully this attitude will soon thaw. If this apparition had occurred three feet to the left, we’d all be saying Holy Cow!

Technorati Tags: hymen, virginity, cold as ice, virgin mary, apparition, miracle, texas

1 comment.

Our Lady of the Irridescent Office Windows

Posted on February 27th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Old Sightings.

UV blocking film applied to a group of office windows in Clearwater Florida was found to be irridescent in sunlight in 1997, providing us once again with a miraculous apparition of the Imaginary Virgin Mother of an Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy.

Eventually area teenagers became fed up with the extreme stupidity of this farcical apparition, and one night a few rocks were used to smash several of the windows. Is it sacrilegious to break a window that is coated with a UV film?

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, virgin mary, apparitions, Florida, Catholicism

1 comment.

Our Lady of Obviously Just a Column of Ice

Posted on February 5th, 2009 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, eBay Virgins, Edible Virgins, fraudulent sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings.

In Plymouth Michigan this week a gentleman who might seem to be afflicted with Catholic-brand religious delusions has convinced himself that he can see a 2,000 year old Virgin Mother with Perfectly Intact Hymen in a column of ice outside his mobile home. And of course if he imagines that he is recognizing a woman that he has never met and who quite likely never existed, then only his belief is required to convince a person who has already chosen to accept as true absolutely ridiculous ancient fairy tales of virgin births and infants with super powers inherited from their invisible Sky Daddy.

Lionel Gonzalez says “This is unbelievable” and on that one point we certainly do agree. We do not believe that frozen water in a Michigan mobile home park is a sign of divine intervention at the home of a highly suggestible fellow who is known to already believe completely fact-free fairy tales.

On our rating scale of Marian Apparitions, which starts at utterly preposterous and goes all the way up to laughably ridiculous, this very silly incident gets only utterly preposterous for a 1 on a scale of 1 to 5.

Looking at this columnar shaped piece of ice it only vaguely resembles the shape of a human vagina that has never once been penetrated by a stiff, manly, rock hard penis. You can’t even see her completely virginal and absolutely intact hymen. If this formation ever spawned we think it would just be ice cubes, and not divine sons of a super duper sky faerie sent here to be murdered by humans so that the angry, confrontational, temper-prone Sky Faerie Daddy can forgive us humans because at least we killed his Son.

Religious delusions aside, it’s just frozen water and nothing more. If Mister Gonzalez intends to sell this Holy Mary Mother of God Icicle on eBay he better get with it quickly before the weather warms up and she melts like the witch in The Wizard of Oz.

Technorati Tags: Marian Apparition, Ice, hymen, vagina, virgin, penis, Sky Faerie, Son of God, pareidolia, virgin mother, eBay, Virgin Mary, Mother of God, Michigan, Plymouth, Lionel Gonzalez, penis, fairy tales, unbelievable

2 comments.

Our Lady of the Completely Unconvincing Tree Stump

Posted on July 9th, 2009 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings, Woody Virgins.

People in Limerick Ireland whose critical thinking skills may already be subject to some doubt based on their ludicrous religious delusions have convinced themselves and each other that the tree stump shown here is really a 2,000 year old underaged Virgin mother who was raped by an invisible super pal of Casper the Ghost.

As the fairy tale goes, the invisible super ghost somehow injected his super sperm into the tree stumps hot juicy love canal without tampering with her blessed virginity.

Normally these preposterous claims of virgin mothers making surprise cameo appearances that only people afflicted with ridiculous beliefs can recognize involve at least some sort of an image that vaguely resembles the Holy Vagina with Intact Hymen. But this ugly tree stump looks just like an ugly tree stump.

Still, with all of the reports in Ireland of hundreds of priests raping children, we’re sure the Holy Roman Boy Rape Church is delighted with this silly distraction.

Technorati Tags: Boy rape, Catholic Church, intact hymen, marian apparition, stupid religions, woody virgins, Limerick, Ireland

6 comments.

Our Lady of the Hawaiian Necklace

Posted on August 9th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, Intact Hymen Jewelry, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings.

In July 2007 a lady who owns a Hawaiian clothing store in the San Diego area, and admittedly suffers from a really bad case of Catholicism, realized that some good publicity might help the bottom line in her ailing retail shop.

So it was that circumstances led this not even slightly skeptical person to perceive the image of an Imaginary Virginal Intact-Hymen Mommy of the Creator of the entire Universe in an ordinary seashell necklace. We bring you Our Lady of the Hawaiian Necklace.

If you look closely enough, and you impair your faculties with alcohol, drugs, or ancient bullshit superstitions, you too might be able to see the image of a perfectly intact hymen. LSD might help, or a few years of Catechism lessons.

How is it that the perfectly intact hymen of the Mother of God could exist before she gave birth to God when she and her perfectly intact hymen were required to give birth to God, who made her pregnant using Super-Sperm before he was even born?

It’s a pretty neat trick making your own Mother pregnant with yourself!

If you believe this stuff, you’ll believe ANYTHING!

Technorati Tags: Hymen, Pareidolia, virginity, virgins, San Diego, Marian Apparitions, Bullshit, Virgin Mary, Immaculate Conception, Catholic Church, catechism, hallucinations

4 comments.

Our Lady of the Freeway Underpass

Posted on February 26th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Old Sightings.

Obdulia Delgado, by her own admission, is afflicted with religious beliefs. She believes that invisible super pals live outside of space and time, yet somehow have voodoo like powers to control what happens in the real world. It is a very common malady for human beings to buy ancient fairy tales lock stock and barrel because their well-meaning and similarly afflicted parents slipped a bunch of preposterous ideas into their head while they were too young to evaluate fairy tales and reject them.

So it was that poor Obdulia, her brain operating on a host of false assumptions, was pre-disposed to see things that were not there and believe that they were.

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, virgin mary, ancient fairy tales, concrete vagina

I’m not sure what you may see when you look at these road salt deposits on a concrete bridge structure, but to me it seems to resemble female genitalia. Could it be that what Obdulia Delgado really saw was Our Lady of the Concrete Vagina? That might explain the virginity angle. I don’t think I know a single straight man that gets turned on by concrete.

In any case, it is clearly a case of pareidolia, innit?

1 comment.

Our Lady of the Ugly Stain on a Samoan Wall

Posted on September 17th, 2009 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings, Sacred Water Stains.

The South Pacific nation of Samoa recently switched from driving on the right to driving on the left. Since that has absolutely nothing at all to do with non-existent virgin mothers of fictional deities, people in Samoa who are afflicted with ridiculous religious delusions therefore believe this obvious water stain on the wall of a church is an Apparition of The Holy Virgin Mary, Mother of God, with Perfectly Intact Virginal Hymen. A so-called Marian Apparition, a message from Jeebus’ Mommy, saying, “Oy! watch out with that car, dodo head.” Or maybe it means that her son can see you masturbating. Or it could be just mineral deposits left behind by rainwater, but that’s just a guess that is consistent with the available facts.

The question is “How dumb do you have to be to see a fictional virgin in water marks on a wall?” and the answer is “Catholic.”

We are used to hearing these silly stories from Mexico, Texas, and other areas with a high concentration of people exposed to Mexican culture and superstitions. This is the first case to reach our attention from a Pacific island nation. A New Zealand newspaper says

A week after Samoans prayed en masse for a safe switch to driving on the left, a vision of the Virgin Mary has appeared.

It is also true that this apparition happened about a week after I made that big pot of black bean soup and ended up farting like a racehorse all night. Could it be that the alleged virgin wants me to cut back on the beans, but she missed Palm Springs by about 7,000 miles?

What we have here is an obvious case of pareidolia. People see things they believe exist. People are especially prone to recognize human faces and figures in random patterns of swirls. This is not some mystical virgin with intact hymen and a super-baby, it’s a freekin’ stain on a wall. Jeebus! Like many other such sightings there is a vague resemblance to the shape of a vagina.

Technorati Tags: Samoa, Samoan Islands, Marian Apparition, hymen, vagina, virgin, Virgin Mary, mother of God, Jeebus, driving on left

25 comments.

Our Lady of The Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Posted on February 26th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Old Sightings.

In one of the most famous cases of pareidolia in recent US history, a woman afflicted with Catholicism imagined she saw and recognized the image of Our Lady of The Grilled Cheese Sandwich as she was making a grilled cheese sandwich.

Now I feel pretty confident that if the image of a member of my family appeared in a food item I intended to consume, I’d likely recognize that image because I know what the faces of my family members look like. But I wonder when it was that this nice American Catholic lady met Our Lady of Velveeta in the first place. After all, it is difficult to recognize the face of someone we have never seen before.

Did the inDUHvidual that made this miraculous discovery previously see a photograph of Our Lady of Nutrition-Free Bread and Sickening Imitation Cheese that was taken 2,000 years ago, just before her miraculous ascension into fairy tale land? And gee, once Our Lady Of American Cheeselike Goop on Bland Bread left the atmosphere of planet Earth, how did she continue breathing?

Is there, indeed, any living person who has ever actually seen this fictional virgin mother of an imaginary deity? Perhaps not.

So here is the thing, often people attribute recognition falsely. In this case the original griller of the Holy Sandwich recognized a pattern that made her think it was a face. She then supplied the fictional association with the fictional virgin, but how did she know?

Like everything else associated with the ancient fairy tales of Abraham, this story has only one little snippet of truth that we can rely on, there really was a grilled cheese sandwich.

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, catholicism, fairy tales, grilled cheese sandwiches, virgin mary

1 comment.

Our Lady of the Pruned Maple Tree

Posted on February 28th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Old Sightings.

In the fall of 2006, a Lockport, NY woman with a really bad case of Catholic heard a voice telling her to go and look at her Maple tree. Antonia “Toni” Filipertis, 84 years old, immediately recognized the voice she had never heard before as coming from an ancient, mythical virgin whom she deeply wanted to believe really did exist.

Personally, when someone speaks to me I’m not likely to recognize their voice or identify them by their speech patterns unless I have previously heard that person speak, but that’s just me. And I do understand there are some excellent medications available for people who hear voices inside their head. But, hey, let’s give Antonia the benefit of the doubt about the voices and examine the Miraculous Maple of Mother Mary.

At a first glance it seems to be a tree that has been previously pruned. Judging from the color of the wound left behind it seems to have been pruned quite some time ago. Maybe I could try taking a stupid pill, or getting really stoned, or something, but in my present non-altered state I see nothing, nothing at all except a tree that has had a fairly large branch cut off.

So apparently the Holy Mother of God, the one and only woman who ever gave birth without actually doing it, is so hard to see that She has to make voices in your head before you’ll notice She has taken up residence in your front yard.

I do see cracks in this tree wound, does that mean that Jesus’ Mom finally broke her Holy Hymen?

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, Virgin Mary, apparitions, hymen, virginity, hallucinations, schizophrenia, God delusion

5 comments.

Our Lady of the Chocolate Dildo

Posted on February 26th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Old Sightings.

Miraculous Virgin Mothers seem to be popping up all over the place. In Southern California a worker at a candy factory who admits she believes in ancient fairy tales discovered a miraculous Virgin Mary Dildo that was made out of 100% pure chocolate.

Don’t you just wonder if it melts in your butt, not in your hands?

And does this miracle bring new meaning to the expression fudgepacker?

Who knows, it could lead to a whole new trend in eating out!

Read about it at MSNBC. And keep in mind, your sarcastic comments are always welcome here, but try not to type with your butt full.

Speaking of butts, does anybody know about any cases of Virgin Mary bowel movements being sighted by devoutly religious folks? I guess in a case like that you’d probably not want to flush before the eBay auction closes.

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, virgin mary, apparition, chocolate, dildo, sex toys

0 comments.

Our Lady Of Clearly Just a Pebble for $50,000

Posted on October 26th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings.

When Lisa-Marie Corlet of Christchurch, New Zealand saw this perfectly ordinary pebble lying on a beach at Kaikoura’s South Beach, she knew immediately that the Holy Virgin Mother of God, who had never even once taken the whole thing, was desperately trying to make a large deposit in her bank account.

But like a naughty girl, Lisa-Marie kept it to herself until she recently ran low on cash, when suddenly it was a miracle that this tiny pebble could bear the image of a Virgin Mother that had a perfectly intact hymen because no dirty yucky boy thing had ever once slid in and out repeatedly in her hot juicy love canal. And what better way to handle a miracle than by using it to improve your cash flow.

Yes it truly is a miracle. the miracle is that there are people dumb enough to bid $10,000 for this pebble, and some of those people miraculously actually have $10,000. Some wise guy bid $50,000, but he was just kidding around. Jesus will get even for him for ridiculing the sacred, penis-free, completely unpenetrated vagina that is shown on the sooper-seekrit reverse side of this clearly ordinary pebble.

You could be the first one on your block to own your very own virgin pebble that has never been penetrated by anything but God, who made his mother pregnant without cumming, so he could be his own Daddy, his own Son, his identical twin self, and live in a trailer park just outside Bethlehem.

Technorati Tags: hymen, pareidolia, Virgin Mary, Marian apparition, penis, vagina, virgin, virginity, hallucination, miracle, New Zealand

1 comment.

Our Lady of Just Another Ordinary Tree

Posted on December 4th, 2010 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, Old Sightings, Really Lame Sightings, Woody Virgins.

In May of 1997 persons who already believed a fictional virgin had given birth to an imaginary deity in a long ago land of make believe imagined they could recognize the image of a fictitious character they had never seen in the first place in a wound on a tree in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Since none of these persons with keen imaginations had ever met this supposed virgin mother in the first place, no photographs of her have ever existed, and she herself never existed, one does not need to be a rocket scientist to reach the conclusion it was simply another example of the urgent need some people feel to believe in total falsehoods based on a complete lack of evidence.

Some people have only a fuzzy concept of the boundaries between their mind and objective reality. We call these people the faithful. When one such person imagines that an ordinary object is actually an appearance of a fictional long dead character the total lack of any rational basis for this belief satisfies their requirement for proof. If it can’t be real, it is not there, it could not be there, and they are just imagining it – we have all of the required ingredients for a Miracle of Faith.

And so it was in Salt Lake City when a vaguely vagina-shaped wound on a tree became evidence of the existence of a 2,000 year old virgin mother whose naughty bits had never once been penetrated by a rock hard strap on attached to another girl, or even by one of those horrid naught bits that men have. Her perfectly virginal vagina, with intact hymen, did ooze a little liquid about once a month, a liquid that seemed oddly like the tree sap that might ooze from an ordinary tree where a branch had been cut.

Since there is absolutely no evidence this was really a 2,000 year old virgin mommy, local Catholics were convinced this was really a 2,000 year old virgin mommy. After all the lack of any evidence is an underlying theme shared by all religious dogma, so the lack of evidence was all the proof that Catholics required to be sure this proves everything!

Sort of gives new meaning to the word sap.

0 comments.

Our Lady of the Painful Looking Road Rash

Posted on May 7th, 2008 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings, Road Rash.

In California USA a motorcyclist recently had an incident of premature contact with the road surface, a well known hazard for motorcyclists. But Marc Lipton, a gentleman who is apparently afflicted with religious beliefs, is of the opinion that he can see The Holy Virgin Mary Mother of God With Perfectly Intact hymen in the road rash on his leg.

It sure looks painful to me, and we’re glad Mr Lipton was not hurt more seriously when his bike went down. But, ahem, well Mr Lipton we have seen other hallucinations in which the intact hymen was easier to see. There are many people, no doubt young ones among them, who search the internet day and night for hymen photos, hymen drawings, and hymen information – and who better to illustrate the beauty of the human reproductive system then the Mommy of God! But this particular hallucination may not measure up to a grilled cheese sandwich, or the potato from Riverside CA hymen viewing levels.

With her never once took it intact Hymen, even after she was married, except for just that one time when God raped her while she was just an underaged minor child, she mostly, except for the rape, is a virgin. And oh yeah, her Son is God too. I’m not saying “Oh God is he cute” I’m saying the Big Guy, the Head Cheese, the Top Banana, the Virgin God who Liked Guys, we are talking Jeebus here, people.

If your mother ran around town all the time bragging about being a virgin it might give you teh gay too.

We hardly expect all mothers to be virgins, and with Mother’s Day fast approaching, and billions of wonderful mothers here on this planet, we wonder what the heck is all of this virginity stuff about? Hello, women are not sex toys made for the pleasure of domineering Austrian fathers. Women deserve respect, and mothers deserve even more respect. So why demean ordinary human mothers by suggesting that a Holy Virgin Mother with perfectly intact Hymen is somehow better? I just don’t get it. Virginity is an inconvenience that can easily be remedied using a very pleasant and enjoyable procedure. I sure don’t wish I still had my virginity, and if I got it back I’d try to lose it again ASAP.

So, really, whoop dee doo, so she never once took the whole thing. La dee da. I’m like, so impressed.

I hope he does not put his leg up on eBay.

Technorati Tags: Marian Apparition, Virgin Mary, Motorcycle, Pareidolia, California, motorcyclist, Mother of God, Intact Hymen, Virginity, Mother’s Day

0 comments.

Our Lady of the Clearly Defective Paneling

Posted on March 9th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Old Sightings.

In August 2006 customers at a Souplantation Restaurant in San Diego, California hallucinated an apparition of an obviously fictititious female quasi-deity when they viewed a piece of wood paneling that was obviously defective and should never have been installed in the first place.

Of course anyone who is afflicted with Catholicism and already prone to adopt and profess obviously preposterous beliefs without any basis in fact whatsoever is halfway to a false conclusion just by walking in the door of a restaurant that serves soup and salad as if it could be a meal. Hello? Where’s the beef?

You normally would not expect to find people afflicted with religion hanging out in a hippie venue like Souplantation, where even the croutons are organic. Perhaps this accounts for the fact that this particular piece of shamefully low quality paneling was on display for years before anybody even noticed that a lady that had never been boinked was right there in front of them.

Maybe the original Catholics that made this discovery were from out of town and did not know the true nature of the infamous Souplantation chain.

We contacted a parish priest in the area, and he agreed to discuss this matter only if it was done without attribution. Father O’Reilly (not his real name) indicated that Church higher-ups believe this apparition has been publicized as part of a sinister plot to lure faithful Catholics into the vegetarian lifestyle.

Catholics are well known as meat eaters, and are required to eat meat that comes from the founder of their faith, a man who is now over 2,000 years old. Thank goodness for refrigeration!

This paneling obviously was not made with virgin wood! I’m knot convinced.

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, catholicism, croutons, Virgin Mary, soup and salad, hallucinations, vegetarian agenda, San Diego, knot

3 comments.

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