Virgin Mary (again)

Our Lady Of Clearly Just a Pebble for $50,000

Posted on October 26th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings.

When Lisa-Marie Corlet of Christchurch, New Zealand saw this perfectly ordinary pebble lying on a beach at Kaikoura's South Beach, she knew immediately that the Holy Virgin Mother of God, who had never even once taken the whole thing, was desperately trying to make a large deposit in her bank account.

But like a naughty girl, Lisa-Marie kept it to herself until she recently ran low on cash, when suddenly it was a miracle that this tiny pebble could bear the image of a Virgin Mother that had a perfectly intact hymen because no dirty yucky boy thing had ever once slid in and out repeatedly in her hot juicy love canal. And what better way to handle a miracle than by using it to improve your cash flow.

Yes it truly is a miracle. the miracle is that there are people dumb enough to bid $10,000 for this pebble, and some of those people miraculously actually have $10,000. Some wise guy bid $50,000, but he was just kidding around. Jesus will get even for him for ridiculing the sacred, penis-free, completely unpenetrated vagina that is shown on the sooper-seekrit reverse side of this clearly ordinary pebble.

You could be the first one on your block to own your very own virgin pebble that has never been penetrated by anything but God, who made his mother pregnant without cumming, so he could be his own Daddy, his own Son, his identical twin self, and live in a trailer park just outside Bethlehem.

Technorati Tags: hymen, pareidolia, Virgin Mary, Marian apparition, penis, vagina, virgin, virginity, hallucination, miracle, New Zealand

1 comment.

Our Lady of the Tree That Looks Just Like a Tree

Posted on July 11th, 2008 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings, Woody Virgins.

People in Midland Texas who are afflicted with Catholicism and no common sense at all are claiming that a 2,000 year old Jewish virgin, with perfectly intact hymen, who has never once taken the whole thing, is now appearing in a local tree.

Now when I were a wee lad in a country village, I was very fond of climbing trees. But very few people ever saw me in a tree and said, look, a 2,000 year old virgin. And of course as an actual human child it was fairly easy to tell what was me and what was a tree.

If only the people afflicted with religious delusions could tell the difference between a human being and a deciduous tree! Wouldn't it be nice if a Catholic could look at a tree and recognize it for what it was, a fucking tree?

I mean really, any slightly ovoid shape that resembles a vagina and boom, idiots are lining up around the block to drool on their T-shirts and say "Wow, she really was a virgin". Give me a break.

Tree wounds where branches have been cut off are a leading provider of fact-free delusions. And it always seems that the imaginary psuedo-deities seen in these trees just happens to be from the brand of religious delusion from which the discovering fool already suffers.

The human mind is a very powerful pattern recognition device. It is so good at recognizing patterns that it sees things that are not there. This may have served a survival purpose for people catching a glimpse of something moving in the bushes a hundred thousand years ago, but it is not always a bonus. The psychological phenomenon that allows people to see familiar objects that are not really there is called pareidolia. And speaking of seeing familiar things, how do these people know what this fictitious virgin looks like in the first place? Did the apostles have a Canon camera?

It is important to learn how to tell the difference between make believe and reality. It can be very helpful in curing a religious delusion. And really, 2,000 years ago there were very few mothers with perfectly intact hymens. For example none. Still, hymen stories do sell.

Technorati Tags: Our Lady of the Tree That Looks Just Like a Tree, virgin, pareidolia, Midland, hymen, whole thing, took it, Jebus, mother of God, marian apparition

7 comments.

Our Lady of the Storm Window Broken by a Rock

Posted on June 19th, 2009 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, Really Lame Sightings, chromatic aberrration sightings.

Some time ago a lawn mower propelled a rock which struck a window in the home of Greg and Debbie Sapp in Jesup, GA.

The rock damaged the outer glass of the dual pane window allowing the exchange of air and eventually creating a vagina-shaped mark on the inside of the window. It's a miracle! How else can you explain the fact that a stain much like other stains in other defective dual pane windows appeared in a roughly vagina shaped form at the home of a family already afflicted with preposterous ancient superstitions about a pregnant virgin giving birth to a son who made her pregnant and was his own son, his own dad, and let's not even think about the grandfather. God the Father, God the Son, God the Virgin Child Molester - patron saint of Catholic Priests.

Pareidolia is the psychological phenomenon that manifests itself in the strong tendency of the human mind to recognize shapes that are not there. In prehistoric times, when virgins seldom got pregnant or manifested themselves inside storm windows, it may have been very useful for human vision to be especially keen at recognizing the face of a tiger lurking behind that bush over there. So evolution may have favored those primates that were especially keen at quickly recognizing a familiar face, shape, or virgin bride who never once had a stiff, hard penis thrusting powerfully in and out of her hot, juicy love canal.

Seriously though, if you were the first one in your tribe to recognize a predator about to pounce you might have had better odds of living long enough to reproduce, thus giving your tendency to recognize vague shapes better odds of being passed on.

This does not mean that every time a human mind recognizes something familiar to their imagination in a nearby object that the face or shape recognized is really there. It does seem as though only people who think this imaginary ancient mother of a popular fictional character never took the whole thing - those folks are the ones who see her in defective window panes.

And it's nice when rational people have another good reason to ridicule preposterous ancient fairy tales. At least, we enjoy it. If the Virgin Mary gave some hot looking guy a really great blow job she would still be a virgin, right? It's all about a penis going into a vagina, which, makes me wonder why so many Catholic priests speak so highly of this innocent vagina-pure imaginary lady, I mean, she was never even an altar boy.

Technorati Tags: Virgin Mary, apparition, marian apparition, pure vagina, never took it, sacred blow jobs, defective windows, Pareidolia

1 comment.

Our Lady of the Miraculous Icicle

Posted on March 6th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: New Sightings.

Once again, the Holy Mother of God has chosen the US state of Texas for a miraculous apparition that can not possibly be explained by those annoying scientists and liberals.

Seeming to completely defy the laws of physics and our usual concepts of space and time, the only mother in human history who never took the whole thing has miraculously appeared in the form of an icicle in the most unlikely of places - a freezer.

Alma Avolos, an employee of Morton Thrifty Foods in Morton TX, noticed it was cold in the walk-in freezer just an instant before she saw this miraculous icicle that was inexplicably located beneath an area where condensation had begun to form. Any fool can clearly see that this is the Virginal Mother of God with perfectly intact, and indeed rigid and cold Virginal Vagina with an intact water-based hymen. Quite a few have already.

Gynecologists agree that there is no sign this Mother of God has ever engaged in sexual intercourse, not even with another icicle.

Morton Thrifty Foods has noted a huge increase in foot traffic which seems oddly linked to a decline in popsicle sales. A skeptical reporter who went to see the Freezer Shrine of Mary reported a cool reception. Hopefully this attitude will soon thaw. If this apparition had occurred three feet to the left, we'd all be saying Holy Cow!

Technorati Tags: hymen, virginity, cold as ice, virgin mary, apparition, miracle, texas

1 comment.

Our Lady of The New Age Bullshit

Posted on May 20th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings.

A practitioner of New Age mumbo jumbo bullshit faux spiritualism has announced that the so-called Blessed Mother Apparition is now available for commercial tourism and gullible sheeple at his New Age mumbo jumbo fleecing center. Master Charles offers a number of methods you can select from in order to move money from your wallet to his pocket.

Charles, chosen by the apparition as the recipient of sheeple funds, carefully avoids using the word Virgin, and he makes no reference to unpenetrated reproductive organs. He does not explicitly claim that her hymen is intact, that she has never had one up there before, or that her little Baby created her in the first place. However his style of slinging of mumbo jumbo bullshit has a distinctly Catholic ring to it, like the famous child raping Church, he seems content to throw all sorts of bullshit claims out there, secure in the knowledge that one is born every minute.

Although Charles fleecing facility is located in the Southeastern US, he has provided a helpful means to assist those who are unable to hand carry their cash to him. For only $35 dollars a month, Charles will pretend that some meaningless bullshit incense he is burning had something to do with you. You can save even more at Charles' discount rate of only $100 for a full 3 months of absolutely nothing but you giving him money. Call now, operators are standing by.

Technorati Tags: hymen, virgin, Mary, Mother of God, Catholic, pareidolia, superstition, morons, New Age, bullshit

2 comments.

Our Lady of the Ugly Stain on a Samoan Wall

Posted on September 17th, 2009 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings, Sacred Water Stains.

The South Pacific nation of Samoa recently switched from driving on the right to driving on the left. Since that has absolutely nothing at all to do with non-existent virgin mothers of fictional deities, people in Samoa who are afflicted with ridiculous religious delusions therefore believe this obvious water stain on the wall of a church is an Apparition of The Holy Virgin Mary, Mother of God, with Perfectly Intact Virginal Hymen. A so-called Marian Apparition, a message from Jeebus' Mommy, saying, "Oy! watch out with that car, dodo head." Or maybe it means that her son can see you masturbating. Or it could be just mineral deposits left behind by rainwater, but that's just a guess that is consistent with the available facts.

The question is "How dumb do you have to be to see a fictional virgin in water marks on a wall?" and the answer is "Catholic."

We are used to hearing these silly stories from Mexico, Texas, and other areas with a high concentration of people exposed to Mexican culture and superstitions. This is the first case to reach our attention from a Pacific island nation. A New Zealand newspaper says

A week after Samoans prayed en masse for a safe switch to driving on the left, a vision of the Virgin Mary has appeared.

It is also true that this apparition happened about a week after I made that big pot of black bean soup and ended up farting like a racehorse all night. Could it be that the alleged virgin wants me to cut back on the beans, but she missed Palm Springs by about 7,000 miles?

What we have here is an obvious case of pareidolia. People see things they believe exist. People are especially prone to recognize human faces and figures in random patterns of swirls. This is not some mystical virgin with intact hymen and a super-baby, it's a freekin' stain on a wall. Jeebus! Like many other such sightings there is a vague resemblance to the shape of a vagina.

Technorati Tags: Samoa, Samoan Islands, Marian Apparition, hymen, vagina, virgin, Virgin Mary, mother of God, Jeebus, driving on left

19 comments.

Our Lady of the Magnetic Resonance Imaging Scan

Posted on December 6th, 2008 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, Old Sightings, Really Lame Sightings, eBay Virgins.

In the year 2002 Fort Pierce, Florida resident Pamela Latrimore was suffering from severe medical problems, despite the fact that she prayed every day to her Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy and his Perfectly Holy Mommie with Unpenetrated Intact Virgin Hymen. But of course, nothing fails like prayer.

In the course of her medical treatment Pamela had an MRI scan. Six years later, when looking at a print of the MRI scan, her step-daughter, also afflicted with religious delusions, hallucinated an apparition of The Holy Virgin of MRI Scans and Virginal Vaginas.

Since her daily prayers have completely failed to improve her medical or financial situation, this imaginary sighting of the imaginary virgin mother of an imaginary invisible sky faerie will be offered for sale on eBay. There is, after all, one born every minute.

The victim of these delusions states that she feels as though she is dying. Without seeming to notice any contradiction she also states that she believes Jeebus has been listening to her prayers. Perhaps Jeebus is listening but just doesn't care, he certainly has not cured the poor lady of any of her many medical problems or her obvious religious delusions.

Technorati Tags: vagina, hymen, intact virgin, photos, marian apparition, mother of God, Virgin Mary, pareidolia, imaginary sky faerie, jeebus, virginity, unpenetrated

3 comments.

Our Lady of the Pet Turtle

Posted on February 27th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Old Sightings.

In August 2006 a Chicago area woman afflicted with Catholicism perceived the image of the Virgin Mary on the bottom of the carapace of her pet turtle.

Dolly Fordyce, 58, said: "I thought we were going crazy the first time I saw it. I looked at it and said, 'It can't be.' But then I looked again. I mean, you can't deny it."

Mrs Fordyce may be mistaken. It is actually very easy to deny that this marking on the bottom of a turtle is an apparition of some fictional virginal Mommy of a non-existent deity.

Let's hope she has plenty of dead flies to feed to the Holy Mother of God.

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, virgin mary, pet turtles, mass hysteria, Catholicism

0 comments.

Our Lady of the Calcium Deposits on a Rock

Posted on February 27th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: New Sightings.

Water flowing down through cracks in the vertical surface of some large rocks has left calcium deposits on the surface, forming the telltale vaginal shape of a miraculous fictional virgin mother, or so says a caller to a Twin Falls Idaho newspaper.

Shoshone Falls, Idaho.

Visitors to the site disagree about this instance of mineral deposits on a rock face, thinking it does not look at all liking any Imaginary Virginal God Mother, but a local priest intent on maximizing revenue for the Holy Roman Catholic Tax Free Empire is happy to promote this shared hysteria. But let not naysayers discourage the faithful, said the Rev. Deacon John Hurley, a Roman Catholic clergyman at the Immaculate Conception Church in Buhl Idaho.

"Sightings or sometimes images in sacramentaries are personal in nature," he said. "It isn't a matter of the church saying we believe it or don't believe it. We simply respect the opinion of the individual and certainly don't discourage it. We believe these things can happen." says Father Hurley. If we remove the farcical disclaimers it might read like "There is no way the Church is going to acknowledge this hysteria as hysteria, because, after all, it's pretty darn good for the revenue stream."

We wonder, if someone impregnated this miraculous apparition of salts would the stones then give birth to Jesus' half-brother?

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, virgin mary, apparition, Catholicism, Idaho

1 comment.

Our Lady of the Chromatic Aberration on a Hospital Window

Posted on October 1st, 2008 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings, chromatic aberrration sightings, defective reflection sightings.

Persons in Massachusetts who are arguably prone to hallucinations are reporting that they recognize the image of a Holy Virgin with Perfectly Intact Hymen (who never once took the whole thing) on a hospital window, despite the fact that none of the hallucinators have ever met or even seen a photograph of this alleged Perfect Hymen God Mommie, who may or may not have lived 2,000 years ago.

As the story goes, God raped his own underage teenage mother who was not old enough to consent to this out of wedlock act of fornication, then he got some poor sucker to marry her fast so she would not be stoned to death by her deity-obsessed tribe of genocidal warmongering persons of middle eastern descent. So God, who had sooper-seekrit voodoo sex with his own Mommy without penetrating her, made her pregnant with a bastard half breed baby that was part God, part dirty filthy human. But he *was* God, according to the story, so he was his own Daddy after somehow being born without disturbing his mom's perfectly intact hymen.

But back to this week's hallucination.

We find it interesting that the persons who recognize this obvious chromatic anomaly as a Virgin Mommy with Perfectly Intact Hymen seem to be, without exception, people who already suffer from the delusional belief that a virgin human gave birth to an Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy 2,000 years ago. I am, like, so sure.

Is it real? Or is it the psychological phenomenon known as Pareidolia? We write the sarcasm, you decide.

Technorati Tags: Virgin Mother, Intact Hymen, Marian Apparition, Pareidolia, Mass Hallucination, stupid religions, Imaginary Bearded Sky Daddy, Massachusetts, Virgin with Intact Hymen

4 comments.

Our Lady Of Blinding Peasants in India

Posted on March 12th, 2008 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings, malicious nonapparitions.

We're not exactly sure what happened in this case, but it seems that the Holy Virgin Mary Mother of God, who never once took the whole thing or even a little bit, got really pissed off with a bunch of people in India. It seems She, in Her Mercy, tricked them into looking at the Sun expecting to find a Holy Virgin Mother with Perfectly Intact Holy Hymen. But no, instead of an apparition or even an optical illusion, these sort of darkish colored folks were tricked by this malicious Bitch Virgin God Mommy into staring directly at the Sun.

We wonder how many of these malicious actions the Holy Virgin Mary Mother of God With Perfectly Intact Hymen will be able to pull off before a police department somewhere works up the courage to arrest God's Mommy for her crimes against the poverty stricken people of India. Bitch!

Technorati Tags: Virgin Mary, Marian Apparitions, Mother of God, Holy Virgin, Malicious Apparitions, Hymen, whole thing

3 comments.

Our Lady of the Well Charred Sycamore Tree

Posted on November 14th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Amazingly Dumb Sightings, New Sightings, Really Lame Sightings, Woody Virgins.

In October 2007 there were suddenly over a dozen wildfires burning in Southern California. San Diego County was hit the hardest with hundreds of homes burnt to the ground, but even rural areas of Los Angeles County were affected too.

The Buckweed Fire along the Sierra Highway left one Sycamore tree dead in Agua Dulce, with its bark burnt off the standing trunk.

Since one part of the exposed tree trunk had a roughly vaginal-shaped area, persons afflicted with Catholicism have begun hallucinating an apparition of Our Lady of the Well Charred Sycamore Tree, the patron saint of wildfires and hundreds of houses burnt to the ground.

Since The Holy Virgin of Severely Burnt to Death Sycamore Trees is the Mother of God, and Since the Son of God has God as his Daddy, it is only through her perfectly intact hymen that was never once penetrated by any boy's naughty bits that we can thank God for being His own Son, His own Father, His Ghostly Spirit that glows in the dark, and His Grandpa, Grandson, and, you know - it's all in the family.

Poor Joseph. According to the official Catholic fairy tales he never even got any once, because Our Lady of the Well Charred Sycamore Tree was auto-uplifted directly into heaven using a sooper-seekrit invisible elevator technique as a still perfectly hymen-intact virgin at the time when she would have otherwise died if she had even once taken the whole thing.

I wonder if God had to wait until a certain specific time of day to use the sooper-seekrit invisible elevator to get his Mommy up to heaven? What with the Earth rotating it seems like the optimal timing for the most direct ascent trajectory would depend to a great degree on the time of day in Israel. The time of year would have been a factor too, what with the Earth rotating on an axis that is not perfectly perpendicular to the Sun.

I guess the Son of Virgin Mommy, whose Daddy was God which is Him Himself, could have made certain adjustments to the orbital trajectory of the planet in order to line up the Holy Hymen with the Heavenly hosts.

Technorati Tags: Hymen, Marian Apparition, Holy Virgin Mother of God, Our Lady of the Well Charred Sycamore Tree, Agua Dolce, Sycamore Tree, pareidolia, fairy tales, incest, Virgin Mary, Miraculous Assumption, Assumption of Mary, virgin, virginity, vagina

1 comment.

Our Lady of the Freeway Underpass

Posted on February 26th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Old Sightings.

Obdulia Delgado, by her own admission, is afflicted with religious beliefs. She believes that invisible super pals live outside of space and time, yet somehow have voodoo like powers to control what happens in the real world. It is a very common malady for human beings to buy ancient fairy tales lock stock and barrel because their well-meaning and similarly afflicted parents slipped a bunch of preposterous ideas into their head while they were too young to evaluate fairy tales and reject them.

So it was that poor Obdulia, her brain operating on a host of false assumptions, was pre-disposed to see things that were not there and believe that they were.

Technorati Tags: pareidolia, virgin mary, ancient fairy tales, concrete vagina

I'm not sure what you may see when you look at these road salt deposits on a concrete bridge structure, but to me it seems to resemble female genitalia. Could it be that what Obdulia Delgado really saw was Our Lady of the Concrete Vagina? That might explain the virginity angle. I don't think I know a single straight man that gets turned on by concrete.

In any case, it is clearly a case of pareidolia, innit?

1 comment.

Our Lady of the Honey Mustard Pretzel

Posted on March 4th, 2007 by Ungodly.
Categories: Old Sightings.

In early 2005 The Holy Mother of God selected the Rold Gold brand of tasty snacks as a new avenue to reach the faithful with her message of divine reproduction by way of abstinence from sex.

In an ordinary Nebraska household occupied by a family afflicted with Catholicism, Mary miraculously caused a pretzel to become twisted into a shape and size that fit perfectly on an eBay auction page. 12 year old Crysta Naylor was munching on a bag of Rold Gold Honey Mustard Pretzels when she found an unusually shaped pretzel that appeared to be over 2,000 years old.

Reports do not indicate if the odd shaped pretzel was compared to the use by date on the package, but it is well known that most Rold Gold pretzels are nowhere near 2,000 years old when they reach the consumer. In fact archeologists have never discovered a pretzel in the wild that carbon dated as even 1,800 years old. This pretzel brought with it the potential for great scientific advances in our understanding of snack foods of the Biblical era.

Going beyond the usual miraculous apparition of just a Virgin Mother with completely intact Holy Hymen that had never been penetrated with a hot, manly rod - this miraculous apparition made of wheat flour and salt even included the incestuous love child of the Virgin Mary, who, according to reports, was his own father as well as his own Son. Anyone afflicted with Catholicism can easily explain that God is the Son of God but they are the same person. It's sort of like being your own grandpa, but with the addition of plagues of locusts.

After an eBay auction the pretzel became the property of a well known casino that buys grilled cheese sandwiches too. We are told that this casino welcomes patrons who are afflicted with Catholicism, and in the spirit of tolerance and multiculturalism, the bouncers do not eject gamblers who are observed praying to the Virgin of Tasty Snacks to bless them with good luck on the slots.

Technorati Tags: Virgin Mary, hymen, pretzels, pareidolia, eBay auctions, Nebraska, dumbass

1 comment.

Older » Next Page »